How to fix broken communication: a surprising starting place

What is happening when it seems like two people are talking past each other? Or when two people are firmly convinced that, individually, they’re in the right, but the other is in the wrong?

I’m amazed at how frequently I misinterpret the actions of others or ascribe completely erroneous motivations to them. The result is broken communication, a mess of misunderstandings and frustration. It’s strange how we can even catch ourselves in the act of misinterpreting someone yet do it anyway.

There’s a way to fix the habits that lead to broken communication, and I’m going to suggest an unlikely starting place — the 8th Commandment.

The Commandment is “Thou shalt not bear false witness.”

I admit that I have trouble keeping several of the commandments, but it had seemed easy enough not to break the 8th. That word “witness” always made me think of a courtroom and providing testimony as a sworn witness for the jury. I’m rarely in a courtroom, have never testified in a case, and if I were, it would be simple enough not to lie. So, this is a commandment I would always safely gloss over in my examinations of conscience. The 8th was a little respite on my way to the 10th — “Though shalt not covet” — which takes a lot more out of me (it’s embarrassing how much I want and how envious I can be).

What does it mean to bear witness?

But is the 8th really that easy to skip past? I was making a lot of assumptions that any good examination of conscience wouldn’t allow me to get away with. My modern mind, accustomed as it is to a court system and trials by jury, identified a witness only in connection with an official legal process, or as outright lying when asked a question about someone else. This is not at all accurate.

The truth is, as often as we’re speaking, we’re witnessing. Every word is its own testimony. Negative people often bear false witness against the blessings they’ve been given. Cynical people bear false witness against hope. Angry people bear false witness against the need for forgiveness. Bored people bear false witness against wonder. What might seem to be harmless gossip bears false witness against others.

It seems to me that our words have great power to shape perception, and if we use our words wrongly, our thoughts begin to shift towards the lie. False witness is a serious thing because, over time, it separates us from reality. It destroys our ability to communicate.

When I was a child, for instance, I was fully capable of sulking during a birthday party over an alleged slight. I convinced myself that my parents were out to get me, or that the distant makers of a video game had a personal vendetta against me and were cheating to help my brother win. My parents would insist they weren’t singling me out, and my brother that the game wasn’t rigged, but I wouldn’t hear them. I couldn’t. The patterns of my words and thoughts became a false witness that distorted everything.

This is still happening today.

Intentions and actions

I’ve never taken the stand in a courtroom, but I bear false witness constantly. I’m no longer maligning the reputations of video game makers or holding unfair grudges against my parents, but I do have the constant habit of misreading the words and actions of others. After examining my conscience, I think I may even be doing it intentionally.

Perhaps you’re familiar with the paradox that we judge ourselves by our intentions but others by their actions. For ourselves, how often do we plead innocence because “my intentions were good?” This is false witness. If the action was harmful, bad, or mistaken, responsibility must be accepted for the reality of what actually occurred, not explained away.

Conversely, how often do we dismiss the explanations of others for their mistakes? They might try to explain their intention, only for us to quickly cut them off and refuse to see that their action was born of pure motives. This also, in a way, is false witness. We refuse to see any possible goodness in the action.

When I assume imaginary motives in others, I’m breaking the 8th commandment. I’m bearing false witness against them. And when I pretend that my own bad actions weren’t all that bad, I’m breaking it again.

Moving toward healthier communication

Thinking about it this way helped me to understand that what I’d thought were harmless little self-justifications and gossipy thoughts aren’t really harmless at all. They’re direct violations of God’s law and make honest communication impossible. This is when misunderstandings arise, along with assumptions, misconstruing everything. It’s when we say things we don’t mean and then double down instead of apologizing.

This has made a world of difference in my life. I needed to stop sinning against others (and God) in the way I communicate. By making this one simple fix, I’ve made progress on a host of problems and moved somewhat from a contentious communication style towards a more collaborative one. I want to hear the truth. I want to speak the truth.

With God’s help and a commitment to maintain true witness, I truly believe that even the worst communication habits can be fixed.

This article was written by Fr. Michael Rennier for Aleteia.