Teaching children the value of boundaries through example
It can be difficult for today’s kids to understand and appreciate why boundaries are important. We live in a world saturated with social media apps where limits on behaviors and interactions are increasingly fluid. Celebrities and influencers frequently share their most intimate moments and thoughts online – or at least appear to. It’s no surprise then that the very concept of setting boundaries is in danger of disappearing.
Of course, the things we see on social media are not necessarily an accurate depiction of reality. It can be helpful to point out to your kids that moments that appear to be authentic are often “staged” for clicks. Figures who seem free, cool, and authentic are often carefully managed by others. For this reason, it can be unwise to try and emulate the perfect lives we see online.
Kids are like sponges, however. They take in and imitate the examples of the adults around them, including parents, teachers, coaches, and group leaders. Even without realizing it, young people will absorb the behaviors of the adults around them and emulate them.
That’s why it’s so important to become good role models for our kids. And we can start by strengthening our awareness of boundaries and their values and by setting appropriate boundaries and adhering to them.
1. Define the boundaries
Like the boundaries of a town or country, personal boundaries are important for our well-being and security. They are the lines or markers (often invisible) that set the limits of our personal space, emotions, and behaviors, separating ourselves from others.
Just as a house needs a foundation, walls, and ceilings, we need boundaries to be healthy and happy human beings.
That starts by respecting our bodies, minds, and souls, and by setting limits on what kinds of behaviors will help us maintain that respect. Behaviors that are dangerous or disrespectful are “out of bounds.”
Tip: Set out the personal boundaries that you want yourself and others to respect. Then, when discussing the concept of boundaries and their importance with your kids, you can draw on your own life experience and provide powerful examples of why boundaries are so vital to our health and happiness.
2. Respecting “no”
Boundaries are meaningless if they are not respected. That’s why it is so important we learn to say “no” when we sense that a boundary is being crossed.
Saying “no” can be difficult, especially when we feel that someone has power over us, or when we feel that refusing someone might damage a relationship in some way.
However, by saying “no” when we sense that boundaries are being crossed — especially when we believe a behavior is unsafe, disrespectful, or dishonest — we will grow in our self-confidence and sense of personal autonomy.
It is also important that when we see boundaries being crossed and “no’s” being disregarded, we have the courage to speak up. There may even be moments when we have to report certain behavior to authorities. For instance, whenever we feel that a child is being sexually exploited or is in danger, we should contact the police or the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children immediately.
Tip: Make sure you consistently say “no” when you see personal boundaries being crossed and always respect the “no” of others. That way, when you are teaching your children to say “no” to unsafe touches, hitting, and other forms of unacceptable behavior, they will know you are not just repeating empty words, but modeling appropriate behaviors.
3. Create safe environments
As well as setting personal boundaries, we have a right to expect that our workplaces and organizations that we belong to have formal Codes of Conduct that define acceptable and unacceptable boundaries. You should educate yourself to these boundaries and feel free to speak up when you have questions or see flaws in a set of rules.
When it comes to our kids, it’s especially important that their schools, caregivers, and any organizations they participate in have clearly defined rules. The Code of Conduct should include rules like making sure at least two adults are always present with children, forbidding inappropriate physical contact, and encouraging random status checks.
Tip: Empower your children by making sure they know the rules in place at their schools, along with any organizations they participate in. Let them know that you will listen to them if they ever tell you they feel uncomfortable or unsafe.
You can find more information, tips, and resources for protecting and empowering your children at the Archdiocese of Newark’s Office of Protection of the Faithful.
